Don't Look Back
by Lletya
Summary: Our pasts are full of memories. Some happy, some sad, all real. The important thing is that you learn from them and move on. That's a lesson both Jasper and Edward will need to learn if they want to stop their separate pasts from getting in the way of their future. "When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future."


**A/N: I own nothing.**

**Edward's PoV**

"Right this way, ma'am," I said to the woman in front of me with a smile. I grabbed a menu from the stand as I led the latest customer to her table. I purposely ignored her murmurs of how "polite" I was; it was something you get used to when you hear it thirty times a day. Flattery is nice and all, but it does lose its appeal eventually.

As we reached the table, I pulled out the woman's chair for her and she took her seat with a blush. I really hoped I wasn't going to have to entertain her affections for an entire evening. She was easily in her fifties. Like the good waiter I was though, I smiled and asked her what she would like to drink. My polite demeanor had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I practically lived on the tips I got from flirtatious women. Nothing at all. After taking her order, I informed her that I would return shortly.

I was reaching for the next set of menus when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see Tanya, the hostess, smirking at me.

"What is it, Tanya?" I asked, rolling my eyes. I knew exactly what she was about to say.

"So, did you get her number yet?" she asked, far too innocently for my taste.

I groaned and ignored her as I picked up the menus and led a young couple to their seats. Tanya loved to make jokes about our elderly clientele trying to flirt with me. And when she wasn't busy coming up with jokes, she was shamelessly flirting with me herself. It had apparently been an incredible blow to her self esteem to find out that I wasn't at all interested in her.

As far as she was concerned, I had bad taste in women. As far as I was concerned, I didn't have any 'taste' in women at all.

Now it's not like I'm hiding in the back of the closet or anything, but I only just started working at this restaurant a few months ago. I didn't want something as meaningless as my sexuality to cost me a job.

Yes, meaningless. The way I see it, a person's sexuality is just a part of who they are. It doesn't define who they are. There's a difference. I had been judged far too many times based only on my sexuality, and I wasn't about to take any chances when it came to my job.

I took several more orders and ignored various flirtatious glances until Tanya gestured to the menus on the stand next to her, indicating that I had another table to fill.

I picked up the menus and looked over to see who would be sitting at the available table, hoping that it was someone I'd be able to get another big tip from. What I saw left me utterly speechless.

Standing there was an absolutely gorgeous woman. She had blonde hair that cascaded in curls down her back and icy blue eyes that seemed to pierce through anything and everything around her. But it wasn't this supermodel of a woman that left me gaping like an idiot.

No, it was the man standing slightly behind this woman that was causing all function in my brain to cease. He had the most beautiful blond hair, just slightly longer than my own short, spiked brown hair. Even though he wasn't facing me, I could tell his eyes were the same shade of blue as those of the woman standing next to him.

He had his hands shoved in his pockets and he was staring at the floor. He finally looked up for a brief moment and when he noticed that I was shamelessly staring at him, he smiled shyly and turned his head away with a blush.

Fuck. Me.

Tanya chose that moment to clear her throat and I blinked a few times before regaining my composure.

"If you'd kindly follow me, ma'am," I said to the woman, pulling out all the stops now. For whatever reason, she looked beyond pissed off. I didn't care so much about her as I did the man she had brought along, but it seemed as if I would have to get on her good side if I was even going to be allowed to address him.

Address. Sounds like undress. Shit.

I pushed the inappropriate thoughts away once more as we reached their table. I realized proper etiquette would dictate that I hold the chair out for the woman, but I ignored that stupid rule and held out the chair for the gorgeous man instead. The woman eyed me strangely and the man blushed once again before taking his seat.

That fucking blush was going to be the subject of a _lot_ of my future fantasies.

"So then, what can I get y'all to drink?" I asked the man, putting on my best Texan accent. I had lived there for most of my life and the accent just stuck with me. I was able to almost completely turn it off at will, a skill that had come in handy far too many times to count.

If it was even possible, his cheeks turned even redder. He opened his mouth to speak, but the woman interrupted him.

"We'll both just have water," she stated in a tone that made me feel like I was less than welcome among them. I was disappointed at not getting a chance to hear the man speak, but I consoled myself with the realization that they hadn't even ordered yet. I had plenty of time to eavesdrop, er… "accidentally listen in" on one of their conversations.

I smiled at them once more before moving to the table next to them. I asked the couple at this table how their meal was, but completely ignored their answer. I could just barely make out the conversation at the table I just left.

"Rose," the man whined at the woman sitting in front of him.

"Don't you 'Rose' me, Jasper! You know what happened…" she trailed off after looking in my direction. I wasn't looking at their table, but I could see her from the corner of my eye. She began to speak in a quieter voice after looking at me.

So, Rose and Jasper. Interesting names, if a bit odd. I felt like the name suited him though. I had only heard him say one word, and even then I could barely make it out. I definitely needed to get him to talk more.

I started to make my way back to the kitchen, but unfortunately, the only way there required me to pass by Tanya. I almost made it past her without incident this time. Almost.

"So, _that's_ your type?" she asked with a smirk.

I gave her a blank expression and hoped she'd drop it. Haha, her, drop it. That's a good one.

"That blonde bimbo over there," she explained slowly, gesturing in Rose's general direction.

I shook my head at her but otherwise didn't deny it. If she wanted to think I was interested in some girl, that's fine. Hopefully she'd let up on the flirting a little. Again, good one.

After taking care of the other tables in my section, I made my way back to Jasper's table with their glasses of water. I set them down on the table and pulled out my notepad.

"So, what can I get y'all to drink?" I drawled out. The question was naturally for both of them, but I kept my eyes on Jasper as I spoke.

"Um, well…" Jasper began as he blushed slightly and looked at the menu in his hands. I was looking forward to hearing more of this man's melodic voice, but once again, Rose spoke before he could get a word in.

"Don't worry, Jasper, I'll order for you," Rose said, giving me a somewhat disgusted look. I honestly had no idea what I had done to make this woman hate me so much. I remained silent as she rattled off her order along with Jasper's.

Jasper's glass was empty, so I picked it up to bring him his refill while I left their order in the kitchen. I knew that I was somewhat neglecting my other tables, but I hoped they wouldn't notice.

I returned to their table almost immediately with the refill. Jasper looked up at me and gave me a small smile as I moved to put the glass on the table. Unfortunately, his smile completely distracted me from my current task, and I spilled a bit of water on his arm before I regained my composure and set the glass down.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" I said quickly as I reached for the cloth in my back pocket. I gently took his wrist and cleaned off the drops of water that had settled further along his arm. I was so distracted by the fact that I was actually touching him that I didn't realize his arm was shaking in my grasp.

I looked up at him with a confused expression on my face and saw that his gaze was locked on my hand. I opened my mouth to apologize again when I was roughly shoved aside by Rose, who was then pulling Jasper out of his seat. She didn't say a word or even spare me a passing glance as she all but dragged Jasper's still shaking body out of the restaurant.

I stood motionless for several minutes, just watching the door that I had seen them exit through. It wasn't until Tanya tapped me on the shoulder that I remembered where I was.

"What happened?" she asked.

I shook my head. "I don't… I have no idea." I explained the incident to her and she seemed just as confused as I was.

I began cleaning up their table. I was disappointed that I wasn't able to spend more time with the gorgeous man, but I was even more disappointed by the fact that I had apparently done something to upset him. Even if I didn't know what I had done wrong, all I wanted was a chance to apologize.

* * *

My mood was off for the rest of my shift and our usual customers noticed. Many of them asked if there was anything I could do to help, and while I politely declined, I was pleased to see that I normally did such a good job that the customers actually cared about me.

The last customer finally left the building and I began to clean up the remaining dirty tables. Tanya was the only one left and as I looked over at her, I saw her signature "I need someone to talk to" sigh. I quickly finished cleaning up and made my way over to where she was seated.

"What did James do this time?" I asked half heartedly, taking the seat across the table from her.

James was Tanya's off again, on again boyfriend. They had been at it for the last year, and I was actually glad I hadn't worked here long enough to hear their entire history. He was basically a complete dirt bag. I tried, I really did, but I couldn't find one appealing quality in the man other than his looks.

"I don't wanna talk about him," she said before sighing. "What's wrong with me, Edward?"

I momentarily thought about giving her a sarcastic response, but something in the tone of her voice told me that she wouldn't appreciate it right now.

"What do you mean?" I asked, not sure what she was getting at.

"James," she sneered as she closed her eyes, "is always telling me that I'll never find anyone else who will want to be with me. And every time I get back together with him, I feel like he's right."

"And why do you feel like he's right?" I was used to playing psychologist with Tanya, but it wasn't as if it was a bother to me. I'd come to think of her as a friend and I was more than happy to help her through her problems. Not to mention that it was a welcome distraction from today's events.

"I don't know. I mean I guess… I never find anyone new when we break up, you know? And by the time he wants to get back together I'm depressed because I haven't found anyone else and then it seems like he's right."

I frowned. "Tanya, you guys are constantly breaking up and getting back together. You can't just expect to find someone in the span of what, a week? These things take time. It's not like the right guy is just gonna drop into your life at the perfect time."

"What about you?"

Her question caught me off guard. "What about me?"

She rolled her eyes. "Why aren't YOU interested in me?"

"I just, well…" I trailed off. I didn't know how to answer this question without either insulting her or outing myself.

I could almost see the wheels turning in her head as she stared at me.

"Wait a minute. Earlier, with that blonde chick…" she began. I looked up, unable to figure out where she was going with that statement.

"It wasn't her, was it? It was the guy behind her."

I continued to stare at her, making no indication that she had even said anything.

The restaurant's main door opened and I was extremely grateful for the interruption, even if it was after business hours. I got out of my seat and turned around to let whoever it was know that we were closed. Once again, I was at a loss for words.

Standing awkwardly at the door was none other than the beautiful man that had been dragged away from me earlier today.

"Oh look, there's a thing over there that I should go look at," Tanya quickly said as she went to the kitchen. I could hear the smirk in her voice.

I watched as Jasper continued to stare at the ground with his hands shoved in his pockets, the same position he was in when he came here earlier.

Despite wanting more than anything to talk to him, I was too incoherent to even form words and I just ended up staring at him.

He finally looked up at me with the familiar blush and said, "I know it's after closing hours. I can leave it that would be better."

"I'm sorry!" I all but yelled. He looked confused and moved to speak again but I cut him off.

"I'm sorry for making you leave earlier today and for spilling water and for anything else I did that I don't know about and I really hope you can forgive me," I rambled. I was embarrassing myself pretty badly but I couldn't even think straight enough to realize that.

"I actually came here to… apologize to you," Jasper said quietly, returning his gaze to the floor.

"What? Why?" I asked, completely lost. I didn't have the slightest clue what he would have to be sorry about.

"For… reacting the way I did. It wasn't your fault. All you did was try to help me."

"I…" One look into his piercing blue eyes left me, for what seemed like the fifteenth time that day, without words. As much as I wanted to just say "it's okay," I knew that I wanted to talk to him some more.

"Um, it's fine, really. Do you want to talk about it?" I asked hopefully. I wasn't sure what would possess someone to want to talk about what seemed like a rather personal problem to a waiter they had just met, but I had to take the chance anyway.

He shifted uncomfortably as he looked away and said, "It's not really something I like to think about. I just really wanted to come here to apologize. Oh, and we left so quickly that we didn't have a chance to pay the bill, so…" He moved to pull out his wallet.

"No, it's fine," I told him quickly. "Actually, there's somethin' you could do to make it up to me, if ya want." I was letting my accent slowly creep its way into the conversation.

"What?" he asked, eyeing me warily.

"Come back tomorrow with Rose and let's have a do over." I wasn't sure where the offer came from, but I said it before I had a chance to think.

"How do you know my sister's name?" he asked, still watching me suspiciously.

"Oh, um, shit…" I trailed off, embarrassed that I had eavesdropped on their conversation to find out their names. "I heard y'all talkin' to each other at your table."

He accepted this answer before posing another question. "Why would you want us to come back after the way we treated you? Rose wasn't exactly the nicest person and I…" he was getting visibly upset as he turned to look away again, and I wasn't having any of that.

"Because I want to see you again." I blurted out.

His head snapped up and it was only at that moment that I realized what I said.

"I mean, I think it would be nice if we could just forget this happened and start over again and I'm sure your sister was just in a bad mood or somethin' I mean she probably isn't always that way and wait, I'm not sayin' she's mean it's just that I think…" I closed my mouth when I realized I was rambling again.

He flashed me his shy smile for a moment. "I think… I'd like that."

I was stunned that he accepted my invitation so readily. "See you tomorrow then?" I asked, before he had a chance to change his mind.

"Yeah, see you tomorrow, Edward," he said as he turned to walk out the door.

Wait, I never introduced myself. How did _he_ know _my_ name? I know for a fact that we've never met before. By the time I thought of asking him, he was long gone.

"Well that went well," Tanya said from behind me, and I could still hear the smirk in her voice.

"I never told him my name," I said, turning around, as if that was the most natural response to her statement. I didn't have a doubt that she had heard the entire conversation, so I didn't bother explaining anything.

She looked confused for a moment before pointing to the nametag on my chest. "It's right there."

I looked down at it. "Oh."

Tanya started laughing hysterically and had to sit down for several minutes to contain herself. I frowned and sat down across from her.

"What's so funny?" I asked when she was finally done laughing.

"You've got it bad," she said between giggles, as if I was supposed to understand what she meant.

"Got what bad? What are you talking about?"

"You like him." It wasn't a question. I realized that my silence earlier had been rendered completely pointless now that my conversation with Jasper had confirmed her suspicion. I was relieved to see that she didn't seem to have a problem with it, and so I decided not to bring it up.

"I just met him," I pointed out.

"Well yeah but I've never seen you get so flustered over someone before. And we've had a lot of hot guys come through here."

"I don't know. I just wanted to see him again." Desperate to change the subject, I returned to our initial discussion. "So when are you seeing James again?"

She sighed at the mention of his name. "Well we were supposed to go to dinner tonight."

"But…?"

"I don't know, Edward. I'm starting to feel like I go out with him because I'm more interested in the idea of him, not him… himself."

She noticed my confusion and continued to explain.

"Like, I love the idea of having a boyfriend, you know? Someone who takes care of me and cares about me. I don't think I really like James at all, but I like the idea of having a boyfriend."

"Then just end it with him," I told her. It seemed simple enough to me.

To my surprise, she started laughing. "If only it was that easy."

* * *

We left the heavy discussions behind and continued with lighter topics until it was past time to lock up. We said our goodbyes and I got in my car to head home.

I reached my small apartment and sighed when I opened the door. I wasn't exactly a fan of being lonely, and "lonely" was precisely what this place screamed to me right now.

I pushed the thought aside and walked in, purposely ignoring the blinking light on my answering machine. I wasn't really sure why I had a landline, but I couldn't be bothered to cancel it. I had just finished changing when I heard the phone ring.

I looked at the caller ID before chucking the phone onto the couch. I sat down and stared at the wall as I heard the caller leave a message.

"Hi Edward, this is um, Mike. I was really hoping that you'd call me back. I just want you to know that I'm really sorry and-"

I'd had enough. I angrily picked up the phone and turned it on.

"Look Mike, I don't ever want to hear from you again. I don't care what you have to say and I don't forgive you, now do us both a favor and fuck off."

"Edward, wait," was all he managed to get out before I ended the call. I tossed the phone aside and leaned forward with my head in my hands.

Mike. My ex-boyfriend. The man I'd been madly in love with for almost two years. The man I found out had cheated on me for more than half of that time.

* * *

I met Mike at a club one night. It was my first time going to a gay club by myself, and I was pretty nervous. I spent the first hour there just sitting at the bar before Mike finally walked up to me and started a conversation. We almost immediately hit it off and officially started dating the next day.

Mike was a pretty great guy. I found myself falling hard for him and when I told him how I felt, he told me he felt the same way. Every day with him was the newest best day of my life, and I couldn't imagine a time in my life when I'd been happier.

About a month before our one year anniversary, Mike got annoyed with me for leaving a candy wrapper on the floor of his living room. I picked it up when he pointed it out, but that didn't seem to be enough for him. He went on an hour long rant about how I'm a slob that just constantly leaves things around for others to pick up.

I couldn't quite make myself believe that he was being serious, so I just waited for him to finish ranting. When he did, I told him that I thought he was overreacting, which set him off even more. I left his place on bad terms that night.

The morning after, he called and apologized profusely. I figured that he must have just had a bad day and was taking it out on me. I forgave him and didn't think much of it.

But as time went on, these seemingly meaningless arguments became more frequent.

For example, there was the night I had to cover one of my friend's shifts. I didn't have time to call Mike and tell him that I was going to be late for dinner. When I finally made it over to his place, I got to listen to a rant about how I'm never on time and don't even care about our relationship. Just like the first rant, this ended with me leaving his place only to receive an apologetic phone call the next morning.

Then there was the time that my best friend, Alice, almost lost her parents in a car accident. She called me at work and as soon as I heard what happened, I rushed over to meet her at the hospital. After a couple hours of sitting in the waiting area, I remembered that Mike had invited me over to his place after work. It was still a couple hours before I was supposed to get off my shift, so I figured he couldn't possibly be mad at me.

I was dead wrong. When I filled him in on the situation and told him that I would be staying at the hospital with Alice, he made a big deal about how my friends always come before him and that he didn't think I even cared about him anymore. At this point, I was used to his rants, but it was embarrassing to get yelled at with Alice right next to me. She heard every word and just shook her head.

When I first told Alice about these rants, she thought that it might just be a phase. Months later when I told her that they hadn't gone away, she tried to convince me that something wasn't right and that I should talk to Mike about it. When I told her that I didn't want to bring the subject up with him, she told me that my best course of action would be to break up with him.

I was so infuriated that my best friend would even suggest such a thing that I didn't speak to her for months. I didn't even care enough to hear the reasoning behind her suggestion. Like the amazing person she is though, she didn't even say "I told you so" when I went crawling back to her.

On the day of our two year anniversary, Mike thought I had to work. While that was what I told him, I actually managed to get the day off and planned to spend it with him before it was time for our dinner reservations.

After getting dressed that morning, I drove over to his place, ready to surprise him. I knocked on the door a few times and waited.

After a minute of waiting with no answer, I took out the keys he had reluctantly given me the previous week. I grinned when I looked down at them. I was touched that he trusted me with them, even if it wasn't with full confidence (though I didn't understand why that was). I hadn't used them before, and thought it fitting that our anniversary be the first time.

I opened the door to a scene worse that my most terrifying nightmares. Not ten feet away from me, Mike was getting fucked on the dining table by some guy I had never seen before. I stood silently in a complete daze until the stranger noticed me there and quickly pulled away from Mike.

Mike looked up at him in confusion before turning his head in my direction. His expression was one of shock, shame, and guilt all rolled into one.

He opened his mouth to speak but I darted out of the room as fast as I could. I ran to my car and held back my overflowing emotions until I was safely back at my apartment. Once I had gotten in and locked the door behind me, I collapsed on the spot. Tears flowed uncontrollably for what seemed like days until there was a knock at the door.

I didn't even register a sound at first. I thought it was just my head pounding. But as I regained some of my focus I realized that there was someone at the door. I opened it without looking through the peep hole.

I knew we'd have to talk. I knew we'd have to discuss what exactly had happened. But I didn't expect to see Mike standing at my doorstep so soon.

He timidly asked to come in and I wordlessly stepped aside. Might as well get this over with now.

The fact that we truly would be "over" after this brought on another wave of emotion. I fought to hide it. I would have plenty of time to grieve when he was gone.

He sat down on his usual place on the couch while I remained standing in front of him. He patted the seat I always took next to him, but I remained still, the expression on my face one of indifference. In reality, I was anything but.

"Look Edward. I'm sorry you had to find out like that, but it really is your fault, you know."

There were probably a billion different ways to start this conversation that would have gone over better than what he just said. I blinked a couple times, not sure I heard him correctly.

He went on to explain each and every one of my so called "faults" and how they drove him into the arms of another man. Not once did he actually apologize for cheating on me. He didn't so much as bat an eye when he told me that he'd been seeing this other man for over a year.

As I listened to each of his "reasons," I realized that each and every one of them was the topic of one of his rants. Being late, putting my friends before him, so on and so forth. Every "wrongdoing" I'd ever committed was mentioned as he explained to me that he had done nothing wrong. I think the worst part of it all was that he really believed it.

* * *

We broke up three years ago and hadn't spoken a word to each other until last month. I don't know what possessed him to do it, but he suddenly started calling me. I never answered the phone and he always left a message telling me that he was sorry and wanted to apologize to me.

But I had nothing left to say to him. I didn't know why he wanted to apologize and I really didn't care. I didn't want anything to do with him anymore.

Because of him, I wouldn't even let myself be in a relationship. I just knew that no matter who it was, they would eventually do the same thing.

I pushed aside thoughts of him and thought about seeing Jasper tomorrow. I wasn't really sure why I invited him back. I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship. Hell, I didn't want to be in a relationship at all.

I just knew that I had to see him again, no matter what.


End file.
